I AM Who I AM, A Proud Trans Woman (Monique Fontaine, 33)

Interviewed, Compiled and Written by Cariahnna Collazo

I was afraid to come out as trans, so I came out as Bi and then Gay because they were more "accepted". People didn't really understand the concept of trans yet. Attending Outright, an LGBT Org, helped me gain so much clarity when it came to my identity and ultimately allowed me to pin point that I was in fact a trans woman at that age of 16. As I got older and continued to live as a trans woman, pre-hormone therapy and surgeries, dating became another hurdle for me to jump over. Dating in Maine was very hard because I was living as a trans woman, but did not fit the phenotype of a woman. Straight men didn’t understand that I was a woman and masculine butch gay men didn’t want a woman, so that didn’t work for me either.

With dreams of a new life I moved from Maine to New York City at the age of 22 completely committed to my transition. I wanted to completely reinvent myself. This was my defining moment and my opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be. After only living in New York for a few months I began the process to start hormone therapy. I had to meet with a psychiatrist to explain myself and my reasoning for wanting to undergo these life altering changes. The process to determine my eligibility was a month long.

The moment the doctor told me that I would be starting hormone therapy I was so relieved but I was so scared. I had no idea what was about to happen. Before moving to NYC I had a friend back in Maine who was a trans woman and she ripped me to shreds. She scared me and made me doubt who I was. She told me that I would never be a pretty trans woman and that my entire life was about to change. I was discouraged but I realized that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I met other trans women during my journey that were older and couldn’t 'pass' but they still were living and I just had to find my groove. I just knew I was ready to begin my new life.

I remember my very first estrogen shot. I arrived at the doctors office extremely excited but super nervous. I didn’t know how my body was going to react. I had just moved to NYC and was trying to figure things out all the while being on estrogen for the first time and missing my family all at the same time. I entered the doctors office and we spoke about the process. The estrogen entered my body and it was like a surge of power. This was a moment that would empower me to be the woman that I always knew I was.

The next thing you knew I felt myself going through puberty again. I was extremely emotional because of the high levels of estrogen. Everyday was full of anxiety and disappointment because I couldn’t see any changes. I knew who I was on the inside and yet it wasn’t being reflected outward. To the world I was still just a gay man and I quickly became agitated with the constant misgendering. It wasn’t until about 6 months into my hormone therapy that I noticed small changes. I noticed that my nipples had started to enlarge and then my breasts began forming around them. I was finally starting to feel like all of the pain I had been going through was paying off.

I remained strictly on hormone therapy for about 3 years before I decided to get my breasts done. I had been referred to a doctor by one of my friends and when I met him I knew it was meant to be. I left his office with a surgery date and a bill that I couldn’t afford. Which meant I ultimately ended up cancelling my appointment. I was devastated but there wasn’t anything I could really do. I could barely afford my rent.

Now, I'm 33 and still living in New York City. I am a confident, beautiful, black trans woman and I am an advocate for all of my sisters. There is not a day that goes by that I don't speak out against the injustices that we face and I am dedicated to making the future brighter for the young trans women that will walk in my wake. I own who I am, Monique Fontaine, and YOU SHOULD TOO!